It’s been quite a while since I put my words out there to be read for people to see. But I don’t know that I want to write them in a journal for only myself to reflect upon…I also don’t know that I want them on the internet where they’ll stay for the rest of my life but life is all about picking battles, even the dumb ones you have to pick with yourself.
Lately, I’ve been feeling worse again. I remember how it felt before, when all my thoughts were dark and they clouded my head and made sleep restless and impossible. When I couldn’t think of anything except the worst possible scenarios that could happen in my life. I always know it’s getting bad again when I think about my parents dying incessantly. It’s my biggest fear, even though they’re both healthy. I just can’t bear the thought but that’s the one that likes to keep my mind preoccupied the most. And it’s always the worst at night. I’ll wake up the next morning exhausted and pissed off at myself for letting myself be so upset for no reason. I hate myself because in the morning, when the sun is up, it all seems stupid. It all seems irrational (because it is), but that doesn’t stop the 10 pm thoughts from creeping back in like a storm ready to wreck my home. I have a doctor’s appointment Tuesday, and I’m going to ask for different medicine. I didn’t take the other one like I should have but I always tell myself as soon as I try something else I’ll be better, I’ll always be better tomorrow. I’ll get my shit together tomorrow. And I never do.
I hate the feeling of hating myself every single day, and I always tell myself that I’ll be better. And I never am. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I don’t know why I can’t stop making bad decisions or not doing what I know I should be even if it benefits my health and I know it will make me feel better. I just can’t do it..maybe it’s lack of willpower or discipline or maybe I have something else wrong with me that they haven’t figured out yet but either way I’m sick of it. I just want it to stop and I want to feel better and be better and I feel like I’m stuck all the time.
Everyone wants to help me and I don’t want them to because I feel like a burden. I feel like I’m bothering them even when they approach me and ask me what’s wrong. I can’t ever just let myself vent to people the way that I let people vent to me and it sucks. I always cut myself off and tell myself that they don’t really care, or they have their own problems to worry about and I don’t want them to have to put the energy into thinking of a response or a potential solution to my problems when I know that they have their own to worry about. I don’t even know what I’m trying to accomplish by writing all of this out.
I’m just very tired.
